"Time"

written by

Michael Gray

“Flowing like a river.” Dulshan rested his feet on the darkened panel in front of him.

“I've never bought that metaphor,” Farber stated, his arms crossed as he sat, slouched in his chair. “It always seemed too restrictive, too linear.”

Dulshan frowned. “It is linear.”

“That's crap and you know it.” Farber stared at the ceiling.“A sea of interconnected events, a foam of...”

“What are you two wasting time on now?” Moani asked, making her way to the station across from Farber.

“Time,” Farber said, a grin creeping across his face.

“Time?” she asked.

“Time,” Dulshan replied.

She activated the panel in front of her. A complex of displays came to life describing their course, and more importantly an estimate to their destination. “Fifteen minutes.”

Dulshan pulled his feet down. “That's not possible.”

Moani spun in her chair to face him, smiling wide. “Then what's the big, Ambassador class starship shaped thing fifteen minutes directly ahead?”

Both Farber and Dulshan scrambled to activate their panels.

“But they weren't supposed to be here for another twelve hours,” Dulshan said.

“You better go wake Zaylie,” Farber told him.

Dulshan leaped from his seat and left the command deck of the runabout.

Farber turned to Moani with a smile. “How long have you known about this?”

“I found out yesterday.”

Farber shook his head. “Nice of you to tell us.”

“And miss Dulshan's reaction? Are you kidding?”

***

The four ensigns walked across the large hanger deck, leaving their runabout to the maintenance crew of the starship they had boarded just five minutes before.

“Plasma conduits,” Dulshan said.

Moani frowned. She was beginning to tire of this obsessive verbal game the two males of their party played.

Farber thought a moment. “Like blood being pumped through arteries.”

Zaylie laughed as they left the hanger, entering a corridor. “You are the only person I know who has ever described a plasma conduit like that.”

“I'm an engineer, we get romantic about things like that,” Farber said, winking at her.

“No wonder your record with women is so damn dismal,” she answered.

From the back of their column, Moani Amina spoke up from her previous silence. “Can we talk about something else?”

Zaylie rolled her eyes. “Is there some reason you want us to change the subject every time relationships come up?”

She hesitated a moment. “It's just that you two go at Ozzy about it all the time. Give it a rest, okay?”

Dulshan turned to Moani. “Did I say anything?”

“Not this time.”

“Okay, so don't throw it at me.”

Moani hurried past them. “It's always you or Miss Bitch.”

“Hey!” Zaylie shouted. “What's with the hostility?”

Moani spun about. “Get over yourself, Zaylie.”

“What the hell are you talking about?!”

Moani shook her head as the two of them stopped, blocking the path of the two men. “You think you're so damn irresistible with that down on the farm smile of yours, but if you heard what most of the men you date say behind your back, you'd lose that better than everyone else attitude you wear like a birthright.”

“Ladies, ladies!” Farber said, walking up to them. “I believe the corridor of the USS Crescent is the last place you should be having this conversation.”

Zaylie and Moani glared at each other, but held their next remarks like daggers hidden in the scabbards of their souls, ready to spring at the smallest provocation.

Farber continued. “Please do it in a place more appropriate... which can accommodate a large audience. And preferably with a mud pool.”

Both women turned their glares to him.

“Now see? You're not mad at each other any more, are you?” he asked with a smile.

“Wanna bet?” Zaylie said, storming off.

Dulshan followed her.

Moani closed her eyes.

“Are you okay?” Farber asked.

She looked at him. “Ozzy, I...” Moani smiled. “Thanks.” She leaned forward, kissing him on the cheek.

Moani walked down the corridor, happy for the moment with Ozzy.

***

“While aboard the Crescent, you'll be expected to observe all regulations as any officer assigned to the ship,” the stocky Bolian, Commander Arlax, said. “If you wish to fill a duty shift, which I would highly recommend, please see me and I'll speak to the department head involved.” He stopped a moment to look over the four ensigns. “As we are an Ambassador class starship, we have a wide variety of recreational facilities available which you are welcome to enjoy. Captain Carpenter has asked that I impress upon you that he hopes your two week stay aboard his ship will be entirely uneventful. Is that understood?”

Farber and Moani glanced over at Dulshan and Zaylie who both did their best not to react.

“Aye, sir,” they each answered.

“Very well, dismissed.”

The other three left with their gear, but Moani approached the commander.

“Is there something else, Ensign?”

“Yes, sir,” she took a breath. “You said the CO was Captain Carpenter.”

Arlax nodded.

“Is that Dorian Carpenter?” she asked.

“Yes,” Arlax said.

Moani couldn't help a smile from exploding onto her face.

“You know him?”

“He taught a course on tactical studies I took at the Academy.”

Arlax grinned. “You want me to inform him you're one of this group?”

“No,” she answered. “I'll go see him after I settle in. Assuming he's not on duty that is.”

“He should be in his quarters at this time, I think.”

Moani collected her gear. “Thank you, sir.”

***

An hour later, Moani was standing outside the quarters of the commanding officer of the USS Crescent, debating with herself about touching the control which would announce her presence.

Maybe he'll be angry, she told herself. It's been two years. Maybe he's moved on, or worked things out with his wife.

She began to turn away, but stopped mid-stride.

God, when am I going to really fight for what I want?

She turned back and touched the control.

Nothing.

She touched it again.

Still nothing.

Moani rolled her eyes. “Great.” She marched down the corridor, stopping at a comm panel. After touching a few controls, “Computer, location of Captain Carpenter.”

“Captain Carpenter is in Lounge Seven on Deck Ten,” the electronic brain replied.

Moani headed toward the turbolift. “Stupid, really stupid.”

***

Five minutes later, she stood at the entrance to Lounge Seven. Not a huge crowd, but enough to allow someone to get lost if they wanted. If he wasn't here, getting lost sounded like a good idea to Moani about now.

“What'll it be, Captain?”

Her ear caught that morsel of conversation amidst the chatter in the room. Moani looked toward the bar, hungering for the man she remembered.

His back was to her, but she knew it was him.

Every inch of Dorian Carpenter was imprinted on Moani's brain. There wasn't a day she hadn't thought about him at least in passing since that last time they spoke.

She'd cried harder than at any other moment in her life when he turned and walked away that night. Yet despite that pain, she was walking right into it all again.

But she knew it wouldn't really be the same. It could never be that again.

I can't do this, he'd said to her.

She knew part of it had to do with her--- her being a cadet, but a lot of it was his pain, and all he'd gone through.

But maybe...

He turned to look her direction.

Moani felt the thumping in her chest, fearing her heart would either stop or leap out of her body.

He looked past her at first, but then his eyes returned.

Those sad eyes.

But he smiled.

“Moani?” Carpenter asked. “Is it really you?”

She walked toward him at a glide, nearly floating off the deck.

He stood and spread his arms like angel wings.

Moani fell into them as she had a hundred times before.

I'm in heaven... again.

“Look, I know we've never been all that close, and recently, well, I think I've made it clear you're not my favorite person in the universe.”

Moani watched Zaylie turn to face her.

“Before today, I thought of you as a friend. I really don't understand what your problem...”

“Listen, can we not get into that again?”

“Okay,” Zaylie said with a shake of her head and a smirk. “Then what do you want?”

“I need someone I can talk to, but who won't report what I have to say.”

“And you think that's me?” Zaylie asked with a grin.

“Whatever I may think of you, you've never been somebody who'd stab me or anyone else in the back. And for that, I thank you.”

“Good to know I have at least one positive attribute.”

“Maybe two.”

They both laughed.

Zaylie patted her bed. “Come and sit. Can I get you anything?”

“Maybe some tea?”

Zaylie lept up from the bed and flew toward the replicator. “You know you don't have to answer in a question.” She smiled as the machine spun a cup of hot tea out of thin air. “I'd think no one would have to tell you that given you're a counselor.”

“Most counselors I've met go into it more to heal themselves than anyone else.”

“So what healing do you need?” Zaylie handed her the cup and sat at the head of the bed.

“Thank you,” Moani said, taking a cautious sip from the cup. “I'm about to do something that may have disastrous consequences for my Starfleet career.”

Moani stepped back from this captain who was the exemplar of what a man was supposed to be.

“God...” he said, trying to catch his breath. “It's been... what, two years?”

“Uh, huh...” Moani barely got out.

Still smiling, he motioned her over to a table at the back of the lounge. “What the hell are you doing here?”

Her heart almost stopped, until she realized it wasn't a irritation he asked his question with, but the same joy she felt.

“Transport to my assignment,” she finally got out.

His eyes narrow a moment. “The four ensigns we picked up?”

She nodded.

He smiled again. “That's what I get for not reading the full report.”

She was too nervous to look at him, afraid she'd see something to crush her hopes.

“Are you happy to see me?” she murmured.

He reached over and gently touched her chin, moving her gaze to meet his eyes. “More than you'll know.”

He still loves me.

“He was one of my instructors at the academy.”

“Oh... so?”

“Well, after several weeks... there was more to it.”

“You slept with him?” Zaylie asked.

“Don't act so shocked. You did the same thing with, what's his name... Patterson?”

“We didn't get involved until after the class had ended... a couple of months after. And he was an ensign and only three years older than me.”

“And you're saying that wasn't for the grade you got?”

“Of course not!” Zaylie shreiked. She took a moment to calm herself. “Look, I don't want to fight with you.”

Moani shook her head.

“What was the class?” Zaylie asked.

“Tactical studies for non-command track cadets. It was all medical and counselors in the class. He was put there as punishment.”

“For what?”

“During the war he'd come across information concerning the Romulan entrance into the hostilities. He never told me exactly what, but evidently Starfleet pulled some sort of covert op to convince the Romulans they were next on the Dominion chopping block. Lives were lost.”

“I never heard anything about that.”

“Neither had I. He said they had used his wife against him. Had her threaten divorce to keep him quiet. He stood his ground and the marriage ended. Then they threatened to withhold visitation of his daughter and that broke him.”

“That would have never held up. He should have fought them.”

“Evidently they had some psych report from when he was an ensign during the first Cardassian war that would have made it easy for a court to deny him visitation.”

“So he came to you on the rebound?”

“No... he was sliding into a suicidal depression. I... helped him.”

“He used you.”

“No... I knew what I was doing. Besides, I needed...”

“Needed what?”

“Nothing.”

“So you're headed to the Chamberlain, right?”

Moani nodded.

“Big ship.”

“I know,” she said with a grin. “I served a summer on it just after...”

He started to say something, but caught himself.

There it was--- the hesitation. He tried to hide it, but his attempt made it all the more obvious. But what should she expect? Spending three months hiding something that could destroy both their careers wasn't something you set aside. You got used to it, just like you got used to anything else done often enough.

Moani didn't want that again. She wanted a love she could be open about.

“Aside for the need to hide it, everything about our relationship was perfect.”

Zaylie frowned. “The fact it was against the rules didn't add to it?”

“No... I hated that part. So did he.”

“You sure about that?” Zaylie asked. “He had to know you had just as much reason to keep it cloaked as he did.”

“What are you getting at?” Moani asked, not at all liking where the conversation was going.

“That maybe he liked it that way. No commitments.”

“No, it wasn't like that.”

Zaylie took a drink from her own tea. “Okay. I was just...”

“You were just trying to talk me out of it?”

“Out of what?”

“I...” Moani looked down at her cup. She was afraid that if she said it, she'd have to go through with it.

Why do I always feel like that? Words aren't magic. They can't make me do anything.

“What is it you're thinking then?” Zaylie asked.

Moani closed her eyes. “I'm thinking of resigning my commission.”

“Are you insane?!” Zaylie shouted. “After all the work you've done the last four years, you're just going to throw it away?!”

“I love him.”

“That's not the issue.”

Moani looked at her. “Isn't it? Does anything else really matter?”

“Yes!”

“Like what? Duty? Career?”

“You tell me... Counselor.”

“That's not fair.”

“Let me tell you something,” Zaylie began. “The universe isn't fair.”

“That's a depressing point of view.”

“Depends. Do any of us want what we really deserve?”

“Well, I guess that explains a lot about you,” Moani said shaking her head.

“You were saying I wasn't being fair?”

“Throwing up my career choice to...”

“Tell me this,” Zaylie said, leaning back on the bed. “If someone came to you with this, saying they were in love with a captain who they'd had a relationship when they were a cadet, what would you tell them?”

Moani closed her eyes. “This is different.”

“Bullshit.”

“I should probably go,” Moani said.

His eyes turned sad. “But why?”

She didn't want to get into an argument, especially here. “The same reason as before. Let's just leave it at that.”

“No... It's not the same. This is my ship.”

“All the more reason.”

“I mean that there aren't any rules this time that prevent us from being together,” he pleaded.

“A captain who takes up with a young ensign is certain to attract attention.” She started to rise from her seat.

“Moani, please...”

“Tell me it will be different, Dorian. Just tell me that.”

His face did a one-eighty to stern. “It will be different.”

She shook her head. “Why don't I believe that?”

“Who's the one stuck in our old pattern?”

Moani closed her eyes, so wanting to believe him, to grab hold of the smallest quanta of hope, anything that would allow her to take the next step in this disaster of a life she lived.

“Have you talked to him yet?” Zaylie asked.

“Yes,” Moani murmured.

Zaylie set her cup of tea down on the nearby nightstand. “I take it things didn't go so well, or else you wouldn't be here.”

Moani nodded. “Let's say it didn't go exactly as I'd hoped.

“And what about when they look into our past?”

“They won't,” Carpenter said, his face stern.

“With all you've been through, you know better.” Moani fell back into her seat. “They'll use it against us whenever they need to force us into something.”

“I've lost too much already,” he said, tears filling his eyes. “I don't want to lose you again.”

She forced a smile. “I'm headed off to the Chamberlain and you're here.”

“There are transfers.”

“That'll definitely get someone's attention.”

He exhaled and leaned back in his chair. “Moani, I want to make this work.”

She reached across the table, taking his hand in hers. “We could both resign.”

He pulled his hand away. “I... can't do that. I've...”

“We have to get away from Starfleet.”

“No, I won't accept that,” he said.

She stood. “Then I don't see how we can do this.”

“Ever since he was a kid he wanted to be a starship captain. It's the only dream he has left.”

Zaylie nodded. “I can completely understand that.”

“I can't demand he give it up, but I don't see any other way.”

“I think you're being a bit too paranoid about Starfleet,” Zaylie said.

“How can you say that after what we went through with Dameron?”

“He was a lot of bluster,” Zaylie replied. “Nothing will come of it.”

“I think you'll find it will hound you for the rest of your career. Who knows what it will do to the rest of us.”

“I did what was right... and you know it.”

“Then tell me what the right thing is in this case, Zaylie.”

Zaylie sat in silence for several seconds. “If being together is what's most important to both of you, then do that, and let the consequences fall where they may. But accept them, take responsibility for them.”

Moani's eyes narrowed. “It's so easy for you in that black and white world of yours, isn't it?”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“Real life is complicated.” Moani rose from the foot of the bed and walked to the door. “Sometimes all there is are shades of grey.”

“I can't believe that about Starfleet,” Zaylie said. “One bad officer doesn't make the whole bad.”

“Has Dameron been relieved of his command?”

Zaylie shook her head. “I don't think so.”

“And do you think we four lowly ensigns are the first ones to discover his twisted brand of ethics?”

“No, but...”

“Wake up, Zaylie. The Federation is only as good as the flawed beings inhabiting it.” Moani wanted to hate Zaylie Burton for her simple view of reality. But all she could muster was envy.

***

Moani stood once again outside Carpenter's quarters.

She tapped the control next to the door.

Over the speaker came, “Come in.”

Inside the lights were down low, just like she remembered he liked it.

Nothing changes.

Of course, that's what she was the most afraid of.

“Moani...” he said, standing from the book he'd been reading and the coffee he'd been cradling. “Look, I'd like...”

“Make love to me.”

“I don't think that's a good idea.” His face tightened. “I thought about what you said, and you're right. We can't make this work with both of us still in Starfleet. I can't resign, and I won't let you do that just for me.”

“If you can walk away from me after we make love, then I'll leave you alone forever.”

“How is that going to solve anything?” Carpenter asked. “You know I love you.”

“Love isn't enough, Dorian. What matters is commitment.”

He let out a chuckle. “Which is exactly where we're likely to find ourselves--- involuntary commitment in a nice, quiet institution.”

She took her uniform jacket off, letting it fall to the floor. “I'm not here to share jokes, or to engage in verbal sparing.” Moani pulled her shirt over her head, throwing it aside as well. She began unfastening her uniform pants.

“Now hold up,” he said, raising his hands in protest. “This won't work.”

“Prove it.” Now she began on her underwear. “Tell me to leave.”

He took a long breath as his eyes surveyed her body. “I... don't want to.”

“I don't want you to.” The last of her clothing joined her uniform on the floor. “Make love to me.”

Carpenter walked slowly up to her. “You remember how this ended last time.”

Moani wrapped her arms around him, pressing her bare skin against his uniform. “History doesn't have to repeat itself. We can choose to go a different path this time.”

His lips touched hers. Moani's heart raced as his hands ran down her back.

It felt just like before.

She was alive again.

***

“I'll resign.”

Carpenter shook his head. “No.”

They'd been going round and round for the past hour like this. Nothing seemed to get them past the obvious--- it wasn't going to work.

Moani and Carpenter had made love for three hours, slept for two, then gone again for another hour, and slept another three. Now it was 0600 and he had to be on the bridge in two hours.

“You've got your whole career ahead of you,” he said. “Don't do this because of me. I couldn't stand it.”

“Why? We'd be together.”

“And what happens when you start to resent me for it? I can handle you being angry at me, having your heart broken... again.” He closed his eyes. “But the thought of you hating me, that I can't live with.”

“I could never hate you,” Moani said, touching his shoulder. “I love you.”

He opened his eyes, his focus distant. “You'd be surprised how easily one transforms into the other.”

“I'm not Genna.”

“I know.” He pulled her into his arms. “And I'd like to keep it that way.”

“I want to spend my life with you!” Moani knew it wasn't going to happen now. Nothing she'd said had convinced him. Nothing would. He was afraid... again.

“If you had come here already having resigned for a reason having nothing to do with me, that would be different. But you know that isn't it.” He kissed her forehead. “I'll love you forever, but we can't be together.”

She leaned away from him. “I'll resign anyway.”

“But I'll know it's because of me. Doesn't change a thing.”

Moani rolled off the bed and found her underwear. “Damn you.”

He fell back onto the bed. “I already am damned. You don't need to join me in hell.”

Moani forced the tears back as she put her clothes on. She couldn't break down here. It would only make leaving worse.

He was gone. For as close as they were at this moment, as close as they'd been all night, he might as well have been in another galaxy.

Dorian Carpenter was never going to let her into that private hell of his. And Moani hated herself for not seeing how to pull him out of it.

“This is goodbye, Dorian,” she said, pulling her shirt down over her head. “Please don't seek me out over the next two weeks I'm here.”

“I won't.” He didn't rise.

“I love you,” she whispered.

“I love you.”

Moani turned and left.

***

“Easter.”

Dulshan sat, tapping his finger on the console. “Same as Santa. Too many kids across the galaxy to cover in one night even with warp drive.”

“Also the number of eggs would require a replicator using the energy of Earth's sun to make them all,” Farber said, checking the drive systems for the fifth time.

“Same with Santa and the toys, only worse since the eggs are organic and would require a more detailed pattern and subsequent replication,” Dulshan added.

“Good point.”

Zaylie sighed and looked out the runabout's door again. “You two really need to find a better hobby.”

“Hey, we're deconstructing cultural myths here, bringing truth to a dark age,” Farber said. “Besides, what else do we have to do? Moani was supposed to be here forty-two minutes ago.”

Zaylie turned to him. “You're keeping an exact count?”

“Yes.”

Zaylie saw Moani crossing the hanger. “Here she comes.”

Farber joined her at the door. “She's going to catch hell when she gets aboard.”

“Don't,” Zaylie said.

“Hey, we've got a very narrow window to meet up with the USS Matthews, and given it's our last stop before the Chamberlain, I would kind of like to not miss our connection.” Farber stated.

“Just don't hassle Moani, okay?”

He rolled his eyes. “What she find true love aboard this heap?”

Zaylie turned to him. “You don't believe in true love?”

He leaned close to her and smiled. “Is that an invitation?”

“Drop dead.”

He laughed and went back into the runabout.

Moani shifted her bag from her left shoulder to the right. It felt as if it weighed more than when she arrived without her having added a single item.

“Moani, wait.”

She stopped. It was his voice.

Moani heard his footsteps approaching her on the deck. She'd told him to leave her alone. Why couldn't he just do it?

She turned.

Captain Dorian Carpenter carried a one foot tall box in his hands. He smiled as he came to a stop a few feet from her.

“Dorian, what are you doing?”

“My duty,” he said, handing her the box. “Well, sort of. This is for you and your friends when you arrive on the Chamberlain.”

It was heavy. “What is it?”

“When young ensigns join a ship there usually isn't any ceremony involved, but when I went out on my first mission, one of my academy instructors had sent a bottle of a very fine scotch ahead so I could celebrate on my own. On the note he included, he'd said I'd earned it.”

Moani smiled. “Thank you.”

“You are going to make a fine officer, Moani. Don't ever give up on that, or let anyone take it from you.”

Her smile faded. “I think it's more important to be a fine human being than a fine officer.”

“It is possible to be both,” he said.

“Is it?”

He lowered his gaze.

This wasn't how she wanted this to end.

“Thank you, Dorian, for everything.”

He looked back at her and smiled. “Good luck.”

She motioned to the runabout behind her. “The stars wait for me.”

“Go.”

Moani turned and hurried to the ship.

Inside, she found her three traveling companions waiting.

“What's that?” Dulshan asked, pointing to the box Moani carried.

“A present for the four of us from Captain Carpenter.” She stowed the box and her bag away in the storage compartment.

“So can we get going?” Farber asked, heading to the pilot's seat.

“Who said you get to fly us this time?” Zaylie asked, closing the outer hatch.

“I'm starting to get this hang of this,” he said.

“Then assuming you get us out of the hanger without a major incident, I'm going to fix lunch.”

Dulshan and Zaylie left the forward compartment. Farber turned to Moani.

“Look, I know you've got no reason to say yes, but would you like to have dinner when we get to the Chamberlain, just the two of us?”

She turned to him and smiled. “I'd like that very much, Ozzy.”

“I'm not saying this is anything... well, I'd like to try again with us. I think I'm a better person now.”

“I think I am too.”

Moani listened to the runabout's engines roar to life. She liked Ozzy, but her memories of Dorian had always stood in the way of things between her and Ozzy being anything more than sex for its own sake, especially after Zaylie had shown up on his sensors.

Dorian was now a closed chapter in her life. She'd finally accepted what she'd resisted for so long. Time hadn't healed his wounds. It was the stew in which those wounds boiled into an unbearable agony. He was never going to let her back into his life.

So it was time to move on with her own.

* * *

Dark Horizon Story and Characters Copyright ©2011 Michael Gray

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