Chapter 3 - Buried Emotions
ONE WEEK LATER...
Jack McCall sat impatiently across from an empty chair in the office of the Chamberlain's Personnel Officer and Chief Counselor, Akala Wilmarza. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes to allow the low rumble of the Chamberlain's warp drive fill his mind. He was glad to be underway once again. However, he did not at all like being where he was.
Mei-Wan seemed pleased he was coming to see Akala, but not as much as he would have thought she would. His wife had been suggesting this very thing for months and now that he was actually doing it all she could say was, "good." Something had happened while they were on Gamala. He was afraid he was losing something more important to him than life itself.
A tall dark green-skinned M'naran woman entered the office and smiled at Jack.
"Please forgive me, Captain. I had another patient who went a little longer than I expected," Akala said as she took the seat across from Jack. She held a PADD in her hands that Jack was sure contained every psychological review he'd ever gone through.
He opened his eyes and returned her smile. "No problem."
Her smile receded only a bit as she watched him for several moments.
"Doctor Taylor has indicated you have trouble sleeping."
Jack nodded cautiously. "It's gotten better."
"Because of the sleep medication you've been using?" she asked.
Jack frowned. "I only use that when I have a real problem sleeping."
"And how often is that?"
Jack sighed. "Maybe once or twice a week."
"Do you use anything besides the medication Doctor Taylor has given you?"
Jack looked away at a small plant on the other side of the room. "What does this have to do with anything, Lieutenant Commander?"
Akala hesitated a moment and looked at his sour expression. She took in a deep breath and exhaled. "Captain, I'm not your enemy. Nothing you say here will leave this room."
Jack smiled and shook his head. "So, Simmons will come down here to hear about it?"
She frowned. "I'll admit, I do have to give the Admiral a report, but only on my observations and assessment of your fitness to command."
"And that won't include what I say to you?"
Akala leaned slightly forward. "No, it won't."
Jack found it hard to remain angry at her. From the times he had interacted with the Counselor in the past several months he found her to be professional and always helpful.
He relaxed just a bit. "Okay, sometimes I'll drink a little scotch to help me sleep."
She kept looking directly at him, refusing to break eye contact. "Did you ever use alcohol before your experience with the Glazyalans."
"Sure. I'd have a drink or two to relax once in a while."
"Did you ever drink to excess?"
Jack grinned. "A few times at the Academy."
Akala nodded and smiled. "So did I."
Jack returned her smile. "That's either good news for me or bad news for you."
"We'll agree that it's good news for you."
Jack nodded and shifted in his chair to be more comfortable.
Akala looked down just a moment. "Doctor Taylor also indicated you had been bothered by recurring dreams."
Jack's smile faded. "Yes."
"They're about your time in the prison camp?" she asked.
"Yes."
Akala tried to get a sense of his surface thoughts without directly invading his mind. Her telepathic abilities would allow her to discover whatever she wanted, but the point of Counseling wasn't to be a voyeur. Her job was to help those who came to her discover for themselves what was needed to improve their lives.
"Looking through the records and statements of others from the Beaumont I see you and your First Officer tortured the guards to make your escape possible," she said.
Jack only nodded.
"Captain, it's normal to experience problems after you've felt forced to make a choice you find reprehensible."
Jack shook his head. "I don't have a problem with that choice."
Akala leaned forward in her chair. "So you're saying you're not uncomfortable with that choice?"
"You think that's the choice I had trouble with?"
"You were nearly court-martialed for it and I discovered there are many in Starfleet Command who feel that choice should preclude you from further starship command," she stated.
"They're wrong."
Akala's eyebrows raised. "Really? So you think torture was a moral choice?"
Jack looked at her for nearly half a minute before speaking. When he did, she could hear the pain in his voice. "I have a hard time calling it immoral every time I look into my wife's eyes or hear from another member of the Beaumont's crew."
"You think 'the end justifies the means' is the proper moral compass for a Starfleet Officer?" she asked.
Jack's head titled to the side a bit. "Every choice is 'the end justifies the means' on some level. It's a matter of perspective. A lot of Officers use the Prime Directive as the 'end' to justify a whole set of 'means'."
Akala's eyes widened. "The fact you used torture doesn't bother you on some level?"
"I saved what was left of my crew."
"And the means to accomplish that doesn't concern you?"
"Is that what this is about?"
"What?"
"These Counseling sessions. If I'm supposed to sit here and smack myself around because I inflicted pain on a couple of monsters who brutalized several members of my crew, then you're wasting your time and mine."
He sat up as straight as he could in his chair. "They decided to hold us and torture us for nothing more than the thrill of inflicting pain on a living being. The war was over--- there was no point to what they did.
"I'm a Starship Captain. That makes me responsible for the lives of those who serve under my command. I made a choice to save those who were still alive and I'm glad I made it."
Akala looked at the PADD in her hands and sighed. She was certain there was more to how Jack McCall felt about this--- she could sense it from what she was receiving telepathically from him. However, she knew it would take considerable time and work to get at it.
***
An hour later, Akala walked up to the desk in the Ready Room where Admiral Simmons sat. She knew she wasn't getting any answers from Jack McCall anytime in the near future, so she decided to go through another source.
"Yes, Counselor?" the gray haired Admiral asked.
"Sir, I'd like to ask what the reasons were behind the decision to allow Captain McCall to command a starship again."
Simmons pointed to the chair in front the desk and motioned her to sit. After she had he took a deep breath.
"Are you saying he shouldn't be?"
She grinned. He was already trying to get information out of her. "I don't think I said that, sir."
Simmons watched her closely for several moments. "You've read his evaluations."
"Yes, but those don't tell me much and I suspect they've been carefully edited."
Simmons frowned. "Are you accusing Starfleet of knowingly placing an officer in a command position when it would be dangerous to do so?"
She smiled. "I'm not accusing anyone, but either his evaluations were done by complete incompetents or there has been a careful 'shading' of his psychological condition."
Simmons grinned. "You're right. There was."
Akala was a bit surprised with this admission. She knew that when humans acknowledged something like this it was usually to hide something else.
"Why?"
The Admiral took a deep breath. "Partly political reasons. Partly because despite what he went through and the meddling in his career by those who should know better, Jack McCall has the makings of a fine officer and commander."
Akala's eyebrows raised as she smiled. "So you want me to believe that this was done for his benefit?"
Simmons shook his head. "No. For Starfleet's."
The Admiral crossed his arms and leaned forward onto the desk. "He will be a valuable asset one day."
Akala didn't like this at all. She did her best to avoid searching Simmons' mind, but she could tell he was hiding something. She wondered what it was that he had dragged her into. She was being used and she didn't like it.
***
Mei-Wan sat at a display panel in the Archaeology Lab drinking a cup of steaming tea and watching the computer display sets of alien symbols much different from those she had discovered how to pronounce the week before. These glyphs were twisted and contorted to such an extent they were almost painful to look at. They didn't have any of the clean lines of the Ancient Progenitor language. If she let her mind drift she could almost make out twisted bodies in some of them.
She sipped her tea and was glad for the warmth. The computer had only found five examples of this new language in the recordings from Hel'yra. She doubted there was enough to ever translate this one. Though, she did hope that the Beota text would give her some clue about these new symbols.
She'd have to wait until either the computer finished it's work on translating the Ancient Progenitor language or her friends on the Ravenscroft came up with something. But since Jack had helped her discover the key to pronouncing the Ancient Progenitor, or Beota, language, Mei-Wan didn't want to leave any mystery unsolved. The more that could be discovered before the Ravenscroft arrived at Hel'yra the more the Expedition could spend their time on uncovering the secrets sealed away on that long dead world.
She noticed someone behind her and turned in her chair to find Ensign Natalie Fowler holding a stack of PADDs Mei-Wan had requested an hour before.
"Are those all of them?" Mei-Wan asked.
"Yes ma'am."
She set her tea down on a nearby table and held out her hand to the Ensign. However, Fowler kept hold of the PADDs.
"Is there a problem, Natalie?"
Fowler set the PADDs down next to Mei-Wan's tea cup. "Permission to speak freely, Lieutenant?"
Mei-Wan frowned. "Of course. You know I've never insisted on formality. What's wrong?"
Fowler pointed at the display. "Why are you still working on this?"
"Because it's important."
The Ensign's eyes narrowed. "If it's so damn important then why didn't you take the assignment to lead the expedition?"
Mei-Wan looked back at the display. "My choice of assignment is my business, Ensign."
"Did you ever think that the rest of us were counting on this expedition?"
Mei-Wan glanced at Fowler. "What are you talking about?"
Fowler shook her head. "Duarte, Nelith, and I were counting on transferring with you over to the Ravenscroft. This was an opportunity so great we couldn't believe we were going to be a part of it."
Mei-Wan thought a moment. "I'm sorry I disappointed you, but it was my decision to make."
"You're sorry? Is that all you can say? Our careers were on the verge of really taking off. We could do anything we could imagine after the Expedition to Hel'yra."
The young Ensign turned away from Mei-Wan. "Now, we'll miss out on the single greatest opportunity for an archaeologist for the next thousand years."
Mei-Wan McCall stood and took a step toward Fowler. "Look, I am sorry that this has affected the three of you like this, but the position was offered to me and the choice was mine."
Fowler swung around to face her. "Then tell me why. I'd like to hear the reason you decided not to go."
Mei-Wan looked away. "It's personal."
Fowler sighed heavily. "If it was to stay here with your husband, I could accept that. I'd still be pissed off, but I could deal with it, but you spend all your time down here in this Lab. Do you even sleep in the same bed with him anymore?"
A stern look came to Mei-Wan's face as she turned to look directly at the younger woman. "I don't think that is any business of yours, Ensign Fowler."
Natalie nodded. "Wonderful. All you had to do was to come to Duarte, Nelith, and me and tell us why you weren't going. Instead, we found out through Commander Negev and then all you give as a reason is that 'it's personal'."
Fowler walked toward the door. "The next time you want to destroy the careers of the people in your Section, do us the courtesy of telling us face to face."
The doors opened. Fowler stormed through them and down the corridor. Mei-Wan stepped forward, but the doors closed again before she finished two steps.
"I'm sorry," Mei-Wan whispered.
She turned back to the display she had been working at before Fowler had arrived. Everything about the Hel'yra Expedition had spun out of control. Something that should have been the highlight of her life had become nothing but pain.
She stared at the twisted glyphs on the display and wished she could bury herself in her work again, but she couldn't continue to let her life fall apart. Now the personnel in her Archaeology Section probably hated her and she couldn't blame them. She really hadn't thought about how her decision would effect them. They were just bystanders in the twisted mess of her life the last couple of months.
She touched the control to the display and it deactivated. Mei-Wan knew she couldn't hide in the Lab any longer. She had stayed aboard the Chamberlain to save her marriage to Jack and Fowler was right--- she had hardly spent any amount of time with him the last several weeks. But she knew he would want answers just like Fowler did and Mei-Wan still didn't know what to say.
Things couldn't continue like this anymore, she told herself. Mei-Wan couldn't hide any longer.
