Chapter 5 - This Is How It Feels
Mei-Wan had stared at the wall in her quarters for two hours. She couldn't even remember having walked back there. She hadn't moved as much as an inch the whole time. She simply sat on her bed, holding the pillow as if it were a life preserver. She was afraid if she moved from where she was and acknowledged what she had learned she would be swallowed whole by this world she had only known for some twelve hours.
She had wept for the first twenty minutes she'd been sitting there, but she was so far beyond tears or screaming now. Todd Nakano's baby was within her and no amount of wishing could change it. She had considered going back to Preston to end the pregnancy, but that would only invite more questions and more scans.
She was trapped.
Never before in her life had Mei-Wan felt so helpless. No matter what the problem was, she had always found a way out of it. But this... this was a problem within her. It was trouble she, or the person she was in this reality, had gotten her into.
Though it was likely the other Mei-Wan would not have seen it in that light. She had wanted this. She had gone to Preston to make it happen.
I wish you were here instead of me. A child's birth should be a welcome event, not something to be dreaded.
Mei-Wan's near trance state was shattered by a loud chime from the comm display nearby.
"Computer systems online," the unit announced.
She slowly turned to peer at the display and out of her helplessness came a realization and a smile.
No matter the trouble she had found herself in, the solution had always been the same: information. When she was lost in a canyon at the age of nine, it was discovering a map on her data-unit which had gotten her back to her parents. When she and the crew of the Beaumont had been held by the Glazyalans, it was learning the security codes which had allowed their escape. And when she was held on Nybiros, it was the knowledge Cilda possessed which had freed Mei-Wan from the sleep-death of stasis.
This was no different. She had to learn how time had been altered. Only when they knew that could she and Hank even hope to get back to where they belonged; back to a world where Jack McCall was her husband and she was not pregnant with Todd Nakano's child.
And my child, her mind taunted her. She shook the idea away. "Her child. Mei-Wan Lau's child, not mine."
She stood and discarded the self-pity she had wallowed in. With the same fervor she had used to decipher the secrets of the Ancient Progenitors, she was now determined to discover what had happened to turn the world she knew upside down.
But as she approached the display Mei-Wan couldn't help putting her hand on her stomach. She tried to imagine the life growing within her. Ever since Preston had told her, she'd found it difficult not to wonder about the life that would be. She hadn't thought to ask Preston if it were a boy or a girl. Now she was glad she hadn't. There was no point in getting emotionally attached to the child within her.
She looked back to the comm unit and stepped toward it. Before that life was born she intended to be back in her own time.
"Computer, set up encryption for analysis."
"Beginning encryption. Title for analysis?"
It couldn't be something to attract attention if it was ever discovered. "My world."
"Title already exists under Mei-Wan Lau." The computer informed her. "Do you wish to erase?"
She almost answered, but her natural curiosity took hold. "Display contents."
A list of entries arranged only by date were displayed. The last was for 24 December 2378. She ordered the computer to show it to her. A moment later, her face filled the display. It was her face--- Mei-Wan Lau.
"I haven't been to Preston yet, but I think I may have..." The smiling woman on the screen hesitated a moment. "I think it happened sooner than either I or the doctor thought it would. Not that Todd and I haven't done everything necessary and then some to make it happen." She stopped again, apparently lost in happy memories. "I need to decide on a good time to tell Todd. I know he'll be angry about my not being honest with him, but it isn't like we haven't discussed this issue." She turned somber. "And it will force my family to finally accept Todd. Even Momma will have no choice."
"You stupid, silly girl," Mei-Wan spat at the face on the display. "Why didn't you just tell them this was who you were in love..." She chuckled. Here she was condemning herself for something which she had essentially done back in her own world. The only difference was she hadn't had a sister reporting back to her parents, and there, she and Jack had simply run off and gotten married, leaving her mother and father with nothing to scream about.
"I ran away from the real problem, just like you did, Mei-Wan. Whenever there's been a personal problem, especially with Mom and Dad, or with Jack, I've always run from it, rather than faced it." She touched the display as her other self continued talking about how happy she was. "I guess I can't blame you. I would have done exactly the same thing."
Mei-Wan watched her counterpart on the display without paying attention to what was being said. It was strange to hear her voice say things she had no memory of, talking about people and things she didn't know.
"Computer, pause."
The recording froze in place.
"Start new archive."
"Title?" the computer asked.
"Taking responsibility." Mei-Wan felt she had spent far too much of her life not doing so and it was finally time she did.
The face on the screen vanished. "Display historical events of the year..." She couldn't exactly ask the computer what had changed; it like everyone else here wasn't aware of any changes. Best to start with current events and then work backwards. Besides, the further back she went, the less information there would be in the historical archives. "The year 2378."
She watched as the ship's computer began listing off the significant events of the past year. Now all she needed was to keep a sharp eye out for anything that didn't fit her memories.
***
Four hours and two centuries of reading later, the door chime to Mei-Wan's quarters sounded. She glanced at the chronometer to her left.
"Damn. I should have set an alarm." She looked at the comm display in front of her and sighed. She had made good progress even with a short break to familiarize herself with the ship's crew roster, but still hadn't found anything which appeared to be the source of the time change. At this rate if the change had occurred in Ancient Egypt it would take her close to a month to discover what she sought and that was assuming it had ever been recorded by historians.
The door chimed again.
"Computer, save analysis and encrypt."
"Acknowledged. Files secure."
Mei-Wan switched the unit off and walked into the outer living area toward the door which called her.
The door opened.
"I catch you at a bad time?" Robin Nelson asked, still wearing her uniform.
Mei-Wan couldn't help smiling. Despite finding herself in another timeline and now knowing she was pregnant, the one thing she was glad about was the chance she had to see Robin again.
They had been inseparable from the moment they'd met at the Academy. Both of them treated the other like a sister. They had other friends, but their relationship had been the primary one, making even the designation "best friend" less than adequate.
It had been the unbreakable bond between them which had made watching her Robin die so devastating.
"No, I was just busy doing some research." Mei-Wan waved her friend in. "Mind if I change before we go?"
Robin laughed. "I'm used to it, but how does Todd put up with this obsessive part of your personality?"
"What?"
"You didn't even bother to change out of the clothes you wore down to the surface, Mei. It's been how long since you've been back?"
Mei-Wan grinned. "I'll only be a minute."
"Uh, you might take a shower too."
Mei-Wan ran her hand through her short hair. If she smelled as bad as her hair felt, a shower was likely in order. "Okay, ten minutes."
"Don't worry, I'll wait." Robin fell into a couch and watched Mei-Wan leave the room. "I love you Mei, but there are days..."
***
"Evidently, there weren't any other ships available or in range." Robin took a bite of her chicken as she and Mei-Wan sat at a table in the Officer's Lounge on Deck Nine. "James spent the entire afternoon trying to figure some way for us to make our scheduled arrival at the Fashod Homeworld."
Mei-Wan absently rolled her fork and the piece of lettuce on the end of it.
"Hey, I'm going down to a Dalvani art gallery tomorrow. You want to come along?"
Mei-Wan's mood only worsened. "I'm not allowed to so much as set foot on the planet by order of Captain James."
Robin's brow raised. "I guess she is pissed off at you this time."
"I really didn't think this would happen."
"Hey, I'm not complaining. It's the first real piece of excitement we've had on this ship since we came aboard." Robin stopped a moment. "Well, except for that mess with the Romulans." She looked over at Mei-Wan. "Don't let it get you so down."
"The captain was really mad."
"Can you blame her after those incidents on the Beaumont? It's not like Captain James was going to ever forget."
Mei-Wan tried to act like she knew what Robin was talking about. "But this is the find of a lifetime, Robin. Discoveries about the Ancient Progenitors are every archaeologist's dream."
Robin held up her hand. "Please, not again. I've heard it so often I dream about it myself." She let out a grin. "You better be careful about your enthusiasm or Todd might get jealous."
Mei-Wan finally ate the lettuce on her fork. The nice thing about talking over a meal was it gave her time while chewing to think up an answer without anyone thinking anything was out of the ordinary. "Todd should know about my obsessive tendencies by now."
"You obsessive?" Robin took a drink of her wine. "I thought all the other men you broke up with were just prejudiced against scientists."
Mei-Wan couldn't help raising an eyebrow at that. Other men? She wondered how many others there had been in her counterpart's life. Obviously they weren't very successful relationships if they had descended to the level of an inside joke between her and Robin. "After today Todd may change his mind."
"Not likely," Robin said firmly. "You got lucky with him, Mei. I think you could kill his firstborn and he'd still love you."
Mei-Wan's eyes darted up wide at Robin. She'd have to be more careful when people made references to children from here on out. I am so tired of all the secrets! her mind shouted.
"Hey, what'd I say?" Robin asked, giving her a concerned stare.
Mei-Wan hated lying to Robin. She so wanted to just tell her everything and let Hank's worries be damned. "Robin..." She stopped. Once she did this there would be no turning back. She looked into the bright green eyes so much like the ones she had always trusted.
Mei-Wan took a sip of her water, then looked back to Robin. "I'm pregnant," she whispered.
Robin leaned forward and lowered her own voice, a slight smile on her face. "Is this your idea of a joke?"
Mei-Wan shook her head.
"Does Todd know?"
"Not yet." At least she assumed Nakano had no idea about the pregnancy. "And I don't want him to know just yet."
"I assume this was intentional."
Mei-Wan nodded. "I know this will sound pretty stupid," she said as she tried to remember what her other self had related on the personal log. "You know how my parents and sister are against me and Todd being together."
Robin chuckled. "Li-Na has made that abundantly clear."
"I guess I... god, this is going to sound so stupid."
Robin frowned across the table. "Mei, if you got pregnant thinking they'd have to..."
"That's pretty much what I was thinking," Mei-Wan cut in.
"It's not just stupid, but..." Robin took a deep breath. "Look, you're my friend, and I'll stand by you, but this is bad even for you, Mei. This isn't just your usual brand of passive-aggressive defiance of mommy and daddy. You're bringing a life into existence!" She stopped, realizing her volume level had matched her anger in intensity. She lowered her voice again. "This is completely irresponsible, Mei! A child isn't some means to stick it to your parents!"
"I know that!" Mei-Wan wanted to tell Robin everything, but the look on her friend's face told her Robin would just assume her friend had gone completely insane. "I should have just married Todd and left them with nothing to yell about."
"No, Mei," Robin said sternly. "You should have just told Li-Na and your parents to stick their opinions up their asses and to leave you the hell alone." She stood. "I'm going to give you some time to figure out what you're going to do, Mei. I'll be there to help you through it, but I can't go along with any more of your childish behavior. You've got some tough choices to make and if we're going to continue to be friends any longer, you'll make the right ones this time."
"Robin, please..." Mei-Wan nearly wept. Despite this not being the Robin she had known, it was painful to hear the disappointment in the woman's voice.
"No, Mei. I can't do this for you. I can stand at your side and support you, but it's got to be you who does it." She finished her wine and set the glass back on the table. "Go to Li-Na and tell her what you should have told her a long time ago. Don't use this baby. Stand up for yourself for a change."
***
Her quarters were lonely, but being in this reality was about the most alone she had ever felt. Hank's presence, while a confirmation at least that she wasn't insane, didn't help allay the crushing abandonment which had swallowed Mei-Wan. She still knew she had to find the change in time which had brought all of this about, but that didn't cause the pain to evaporate.
Hearing Robin Nelson tear into her like she had was something which had never happened back in her own world. Though her Robin had been just as tempestuous in her own way; her fiery temper had never rained down on Mei-Wan.
A series of events during the twenty-second century rattled past on the comm unit display. Mei-Wan stopped it. She was too distracted by her conversation with Robin to continue going through these records. She needed to stay focused or she might miss the one clue which would solve the puzzle.
"Evidently I'm not nearly as obsessive as everyone thinks," she told herself. "Or I'd be able to bury myself in this task."
Mei-Wan wondered if Kyle Hoffman had been responsible for her training here as well. She could probably find out, but was afraid to look at Mei-Wan Lau's personal logs again. The last thing she wanted to find out was she and Hoffman had slept together.
Kyle Hoffman...
"Yes! The little jackass might still have his ship!" Mei-Wan quickly activated the display again. "Computer, display the current status of the starship Ravenscroft."
A moment later, a full report appeared, bringing a smile to Mei-Wan's face.
***
"Are you sure, Mei? If you're wrong, Captain James isn't likely to give you a second chance."
Mei-Wan shot a quick glance to Duncan Zachary as they hurried up the steps to the captain's ready room. "As hard as it might be, trust me."
He smiled. "If I didn't trust you, do you think I'd leave Cindy in your care like I do?"
Several seconds later they stood in front of a desk where a weary Captain Larissa James sat. Mei-Wan couldn't help noticing the assortment of relics throughout the ready room. Evidently Mei-Wan Lau's relationship with Larissa James was based on a mutual interest in archaeology. It was probably the only thing which can kept her counterpart from receiving the court-martial Hank thought so well deserved.
"I thought you should know, Lieutenant," Larissa said with a small measure of relief. "I just got finished speaking to the Fashod Emperor. It seems his advisors were unhappy with the idea of us carrying him through their territory and had been urging him to use one of their ships instead. So our being stuck here will actually help him to quiet some discord amongst his people."
Mei-Wan smiled.
"Don't get too proud of yourself, Mei," Larissa James chided. "He will arrive here in two weeks. Our problem is simply delayed, not solved." She shot a glance Zachary's direction. "Is it possible to leave enough of our people behind while we take the Emperor to Earth?"
Zachary hesitated a moment while shifting his weight from one foot to the other. "Well, hmmmm... Access to our labs would be necessary to do a complete analysis of the Ancient Progenitor site, otherwise all they'd be doing is tearing the site apart. Setting up the facilities on the surface is possible, as long as the Dalvani don't mind."
"I'd rather not upset them anymore than we already have."
Zachary frowned. "Two weeks would hardly be enough time even if they did agree to it."
Captain James let the air in her lungs slowly seep out.
"However," Zachary said with a slight grin. "Mei-Wan has another option you might find worthwhile."
Larissa tilted her head and listened to her chief archaeologist.
"There is another ship which could replace us and do a thorough investigation of the site."
James shook her head. "I've checked. There isn't another ship with the necessary facilities which could be available to arrive here for the next five weeks."
Mei-Wan had a hard time suppressing a grin. "The ship I'm thinking of is on assignment, but I'm certain its CO would gladly jump at a chance to explore an Ancient Progenitor site."
"Who?" James asked, surprised.
"Kyle Hoffman on the Ravenscroft."
"That's a science vessel, right?"
"One specially outfitted for archaeological missions."
Larissa gave a quiet chuckle. "Where are they now?"
"They've been conducting a survey of Vradix Five the last three weeks. At maximum warp..."
The captain was already ahead of Mei-Wan. "They could be here a full day before the Fashod arrive." James' brow tightened. "You sure Hoffman will go along with this? We don't exactly have time for formal orders to be cut."
"That shouldn't be a problem for him," Mei-Wan said, hoping this Kyle Hoffman was as much of a self-serving ass as the one she had known.
Zachary took a step towards Captain James. "Assuming this works out, I'd like Lieutenant Lau to take charge of our exploration of the site until the Ravenscroft arrives."
"She should be in the brig for what she's done, but..." Larissa finally smiled. "I suppose our chief archaeologist is the one to supervise the work." She shot Mei-Wan a serious look. "Please Mei, don't activate any other devices down there."
"I promise," Mei-Wan said, doing her best to look convincing.
Three hours later, Mei-Wan was on her way back to the surface of Dalvanax Two.
